Stigma or Tznius?

Someone asked me today if I’ll be focusing on female sexuality in my blog posts and podcasts.

The short answer: No, not really.

Why not?

Female sexuality is natural, acceptable, powerful, and holy. AND there are only a few aspects that I feel comfortable discussing in a public forum. I tend to view sexuality and intimacy as topics that are best suited for one on one conversation.

The question came with the opinion that the topic of female sexuality needs a lot more airtime in the frum community. Women need to feel comfortable with their bodies – not ashamed! – and able to ask questions. My friend suggested that there is still so much stigma, and that barriers need to be broken.

In some ways, I agree. Women need to be comfortable with their bodies, not feel any shame, have a place to ask their intimacy related questions without fear of judgment. Sexuality isn’t a shameful subject (and the Chachamim are pretty clear on that). Our bodies are complex and beautiful vessels.

BUT it is a private, holy subject. Not hidden as a shameful secret (Women have thoughts and feelings about their sexuality?? Gasp!), just kept out of the limelight in line with our Mesorah.

Perhaps aspects of female sexuality have developed stigma over time, and that’s not the way it should be. There are many topics that have been kept under wraps for years – mental health and chronic medical conditions come to mind first. And when held up to the same question – “stigma or tznius?” – it became clear over time that stigma was driving the secrecy (secrecy, not privacy) and keeping people from getting the support they needed. A woman’s sexuality does not need to be treated that way, and should not be treated that way!

So – ask away! There’s no question that does not deserve a thought out and respectful answer. Do not be ashamed. Do not deprive yourself of the support and education you need. Find a destination for your questions, be it one of the many frum therapists that specialize in sexuality, an experienced kallah teacher, or even myself. Because truly, there’s no room for stigma here.